Blog it to Death...

Well, I've talked it to death. Now, I guessed I shall blog it to death. Then maybe, I would be so numb that it would no longer affect me. I had lunch with a girlfriend this afternoon, and somehow....even after I've talked it to death in Bali, tears still flowed soooooo freely. I have to say that the Bali trip did help. At least, it was the girls who saw me crying constantly .....rather than H. I know he felt really sad about the loss, and that he tried to be strong for me. And if he sees me crying repeatedly, he'll feel pretty lousy.

Anyway, I supposed things weren't all that right from the beginning. When I went to see the obgyn at about 7 weeks (calc from my LMP), he did the scan, checked that the sac is at the right place, and said that the embryo is at 6 weeks, and too small to see the heartbeat. Perhaps I miscalculated the timing. No alarm bells as I told him that conception was very close to my 'next' period. I asked if I could proceed with my Bali trip (Trip was planned waaaaay in advance), and he replied that he'll decide when I see him again in two weeks.

So Bali Trip was put on hold. As initially, there was going to be four of us - S, C, KL and I. So happens that KL found out that she was pregnant. And because she suffered a miscarriage in January, she decided to not take the chance and opted out of the trip. Both C and S were gonna cancel the trip if I werent' going....afraid to be mistaken as 'le$b!@ns'. GILA, I know.

Two weeks went by pretty quick, and went to see my obgyn on Tuesday, 27th April. I was 9 weeks. Before he said anything, I knew something wasn't that right. I couldn't see the flickering heartbeat on the screen, and then he said it is still really small - only 6 weeks in size. Didn't grow at all in the two weeks. Plus there is no heartbeat whatsoever. Though deep down, I knew it was gone...I was still hoping.. hoping that there would be a miracle..... BUT he went on to talk about NOT Viable, 23 chromosomes from father...blah blah blah, problems in the replication etc etc, genetic abnomality etc etc. I was almost spaced-out by then. I actually wanted to NOT do anything, and just let nature takes its course...but he was afraid of infection and insisted that I have some medication to assist, and to see him in a week's time.

H was waiting for me when I got home. I had cried bucket-loads in the car, and continued to do so in H's arms. I was taken aback when H, who is usually soooooo strong hugged my belly and started to sob. And naturally, that made me cry even more. Somehow, whenever I feel better, H would say every December, we would have a cake to remember her by....and that surely open the waterworks again. This was hard...as I was convincing myself that I lost tissues rather than a baby.

It was inevitable. It wasn't the medication because as soon as I popped the pill, I thought that I should put on a sanitary napkin. Went to the toilet, and I was bleeding already. This was less than 5 minutes after the pill. So definitely NOT the meds working. That night was bad. Cramps were agonizing, that I had lower back pains etc. Even had pains shooting down my thighs.

Decided to go ahead with my trip to Bali with my girlfriends on Friday. H also wanted to go away alone with me after my Bali trip. Even booked flights to go to Sydney for Tuesday night (5th May). But I decided to cancel the Sydney trip... though it would be good for both of us to go. Why cancel then?
- Boys still have school, and that means I would have to call my mom to come babysit. She's okay with it, but I didn't want to inconvenience her too much as she has some other obligations.
- Our flight back from Sydney was to be Monday, 10th May. And my Mother-In-Law was arriving in Jakarta on the 8th May. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of her coming to visit, and both H and I not around. H was adamant that the boys can 'take care' of her for the two days. He even said if it's too much hassle, he would ask his mom NOT to come. Aiyo. How can? Right? Men! We almost had a fight over this.
- There's the possibility of me having to do D&C on Tuesday (True enough! I had to! Cannot imagine me flying to Sydney after the D&C!)

I was cramping quite a bit in Bali, and bleeding just as much. Thought all that agony would have pushed everything out. But. But. Still need a D&C. Oh well....

Right now... I can't think. I don't know if I will try to get pregnant again. Before the pregnancy, I am very confident that I don't want anymore children. Now, I've had a taste of being pregnant, and have had thoughts about what life would be with another little one, I am not so sure anymore. H said we could try again. But the thought of another miscarriage is really too much. I'm not sure I can take another miscarriage ...emotionally. I don't know. So...for the time being, I am just gonna let things be. One day at a time.